So, You Felt the Need to Make an Unkind Comment…

So, You Felt the Need to Make an Unkind Comment…

By Kerri Camp

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I understand; as I felt the same need.   The only difference is I targeted myself.  

Yes, you read that correctly, I made unkind comments about myself to myself.  

This is where the problem began....

What began with the purest of intentions, planted a seed which would develop into years of allowing other voices to drown out my own voice.  At some point, I began comparing myself to everyone else and merely going through the motions of existing.  

As you are reading this, you might be thinking, she could have stopped at any point and changed.  Sure, let’s go ahead and begin with all of those cliché self-motivational phrases which inspire you to feel unstoppable; that is, until you walk out the door and reality smacks you in the face again. Without a support system, I can tell you that walk of confidence is very short; and very lonely. 

In those moments of feeling alone, depression and dark thoughts began to trespass into my already unkind comments toward myself. Eventually the words became actions; as I would punish myself for all my failures. As the knife would make its way across my skin, I would hear myself saying, “Way to Go, Kerri!” “You F*ked up again, Kerri!”

At this point, maybe you are starting to think about the unkind comment you made; maybe not.

This went on for years.  Years which were marked with moments of highs and extremely low valleys.  During this time, I did not understand why I could never take the next step needed to make it all go away.  

In the past couple of years, I began to understand the reason why.  

You see my pastor says, “If it isn’t good then God isn’t done.” – Perry Noble.  

Yes, I just referenced God.  I have a tattoo and I referenced God!  

What about desecrating the temple of God with all of this ink? 

Let me stop you there.  

God has not convicted me of desecrating my body with tattoos. His lack of conviction is not your permission slip to begin.  

At this time I might add, I am also a Child of God.

In 2006, life threw another curve ball; which hit me right in the heart.  

What felt like the end was actually the beginning. The beginning of the walk on a new path.

Fast forward three years, where I am standing in front of my knight in shining armor saying “I Do” in my white off the tattoo free shoulder dress.

The years which followed would be marked with unconditional love, healing, personal and professional growth.

Love You… Always

In 2016, ten years after the curve ball, I decided I wanted a tattoo.  The placement is close to my heart; as it is a reminder of my story; which almost ended.  It is a semicolon with a heartbeat. The heartbeat transitions into my husband’s handwriting of the words “love you… always.”  I look at this tattoo often. I don’t really dwell on the memories, but rather the fact that the story could have ended; but instead continues with unconditional love.

If you take the time to talk to someone with a tattoo, you might hear something about ink fever.  

Well I caught it!

Then You’re Mine

My next tattoo was small and placed on my left wrist.  

Yes, I am a lefty. You can save the comments about left handed people; as I am sure I have heard them all and some might have played a role in the initial problem. 

Think about that! 

Anyways… moving on.  

The tattoo is a representation of the words my husband wrote on a small note back in 1994.  

Pause.  

Yes, Jason and I knew one another in High School.  Why didn’t we date then? That is a story for another blog. In 2009, while moving into our new house, I found this little note we had written during one of our times together in History class.  Side note: Mr. Whelchel if you are reading this, please know it was Jason’s idea; not mine.

So, why would I put the words “then you’re mine” on my wrist?  The words serve as a reminder that even in some of my darkest times, someone wanted me.  But most importantly it serves as a reminder of God’s plan: He knew one day I would be Jason’s then your mine.

Three Daisies

The meaning behind this tattoo is easy. Daisies are my favorite flower.  One for me, One for Jason, and One for Cameron. Three~ I will come back to the importance of three later in this blog.

Georgette

Yes, my skull tattoo has a name.  Maybe now would be a good time for a gentle reminder.

Think about the possible effects of an unkind comment.

Some might assume my skull was the result of my husband’s influence.  That tattooed, Harley Davidson, heavy metal music loving man. I am sorry to disappoint.  Although he has completely fostered my love of riding Harley Davidson Motorcycles; the love of heavy metal music and tattoos seed had been planted long before I set my eyes on him.  

Georgette is placed on the back of my left shoulder as a reminder that death is behind me.  Yes, I am a Child of God, and the voice in my head no longer has any power over me.

The Filigree and Butterflies

The Filigree was inspired by the verse of scripture which references how a cord of three is not easily broken.  Three could be interpreted to represent God, the husband, and the wife or it could be used to interpreted to represent Jason, Cameron, and myself.  

Either way interpreted is a win-win.

For me, a butterfly reminds me of 1 Corinthians 5:17

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! 

I think from here it should be pretty obvious why I choose butterflies.  

The center of the butterfly on my back is actually the paw print of Chitin; my min pin who walked beside me during the curve ball. The center of the butterfly near my neck is the paw print of Zoe Renee. My love for her is a story for another blog.

The Phoenix

For anyone who has seen me out and about, you are probably asking yourself, “Where is the phoenix?”  

The phoenix, the 14 hours of sitting while my tattoo artist worked on the phoenix, is normally covered by my clothes.  

The design started as the cover-up of a lower back tattoo; see I told you the seed had already been planted.  The meaning was inspired by the following statement:

“And just as the Phoenix rose from the ashes, she too will rise. Returning from the flames, clothed in nothing but her strength, more beautiful than ever before.”

She too will Rise

I believe I have risen and will continue to rise. 

I will continue to rise in my confidence as years ago I would have never placed all of this in writing.  

The Story of the Starfish

If you have not read this story, please take the time to Google it! 

 Isn’t it interesting that story begins with someone laughing and inserting an unkind comment; just like the incident which motivated me to write this blog?

So, Why?

Why would I allow this experience to inspire me to step outside of my box? 

It is because now I understand I may not be able to change the opinion of everyone with regards to tattoos, self-harm, depression or anxiety,  but like The Story of the Starfish; something I say or do might make a difference to one.  

And, if I can help someone else learn to consider another perspective before speaking an unkind word, then I have made a difference…. to that one.

Oh, there is one more tattoo, but that will be a story for another day!