How do you write the final page of a chapter; especially when you were not ready for that chapter to come to an end?

 Yesterday was her 44th birthday. 

I am the oldest of the cousins.  She was a little over 3 years younger than me.  It was not uncommon for us to find our way into trouble.  At some point we began to feel proud of being the black sheep of the family; even if it was only a label we gave to ourselves. 

One of the most vivid memories I have of us is from our childhood. I was sitting on my canopy bed listening to Carmen or DcTalk (totally dating myself).  Her family had come to visit.  I can remember her entering the room, sitting on the bed across from me and beginning to try to clap to the beat of the music.  Neither of us have an ounce of rhythm, so I am not completely sure why that memory, of all memories, comes to mind when I think of us as kids. 

I often wonder if it is meant to remind me of how much she looked up to me or wanted to just belong. 

As it happens, time and distance set the stage for us to grow apart.  

Over the past seven months since she walked away, I have come to understand that I will never know the truth behind what happened during the time we were apart until we were together again. I know that somewhere along the way she slipped down a path.  A path that despite my best efforts, I can't bring her back from. 

If I am being honest, this is the part that I am struggling with the most. 

For now, she has chosen 

A place that feels more safe than safety.

A place that feels more like home than home.

A place where she feels more loved and accepted than with those who love her more than she can is capable of understanding.  

A place that feels less scary than the fears of living a productive life in society. 

A place of addiction. 

For now, I will hold on to the memories that God allowed me to have

The hug in the jail lobby on the day I brought her home.

The laughter from the times we were together again.

Our first girls trip as adults.

The memories of looking at her sitting in the passenger side of the truck attempting to sing  “Save Me” by Jelly Roll. 

The feeling as though she had been there the entire time… and nothing would separate us again. 

• "Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." 

  Hebrews 10:23

Dedicated to Hope