The Invisible Bucket

The Invisible Bucket

Have you ever read the book How Full is Your Bucket? by Tom Rath?

If not, I would encourage you to take a moment to do so. 

As an individual who struggles with anxiety and low self-esteem issues, there are days when it is hard to go to work.   

Before anyone makes a comment about how this is not a good sign; especially since I am an Assistant Principal... please understand this challenge has nothing to do with the children God has entrusted into my care.  They are the easy and most rewarding part of my job. 

Anyone who knows me is fully aware that I do not fit into the typical mold for a professional; especially an Assistant Principal.

Let me take a moment to paint a picture for those of you who do not know me.

I am 42 years old. 

I am 5'8 

I have not seen sizes the world would make you believe 

fall under the category of skinny

 in years. 

There is a better chance of winning the lottery than seeing me wearing make-up.

I do not spend time in the mirror curling my hair.  For the most part, it is natural and long.

I do not own a dress suit or a pair of heels. 

I have never been nor do I care to have a manicure or pedicure

I have tattoos 

& 

Black is my favorite color!

When a request is made to dress in business professional, my anxiety automatically becomes an issue. 

Why? 

I am fully aware that I will never be able to look as others do when this request is made

.... yet I try to find a middle ground. 

Before I go any further, I need to add a disclaimer to this post:

The individual who made this request has NEVER said anything to me about how I dress or made me feel less than I am because of how I dress.

The request was made; as it had been made times before. 

I frantically went shopping hoping something would stand out to me which would meet the criteria of this request without compromising my own style. 

My first purchase: a black sleeveless swing top & gray cardigan.  

Totally predictable. 

The hunt for shoes began; as I have been wearing my super cush VANS since I laid my motorcycle down and injured my foot. 

During the hunt for shoes, a blouse (which was not black) caught my eye.  

As I walked around the store, I convinced myself to make the purchase;  as I reassure myself that I could always return the blouse if it did not work out. 

The next morning, I woke up early and began to mentally prepare myself for the event. 

Most of my routine is normal: bathe, towel dry hair, a little blow dry to get the extra water out, and then I begin of getting dressed.   

Undergarments... pants... spaghetti strap tank

... and as I look in the mirror, I nod and reassure myself I can do this. 

I take the blouse out of the bag... off the hanger... and slide it over my head. 

I look up to see my reflection

... and again I nod and reassure myself I can do this. 

I prayed to God that it would be warm, so I could wear my expensive bling sandals; 

which were purchased as a result of a previous experience like this one. 

Please know I looked in the mirror a handful of other times

..... not because I just had to see my reflection. 

It was more of me reassuring myself that this would be okay. 

As I drove to work, I almost felt comfortable... and maybe a little pretty. 

I arrive & so do the comments:

I am just glad to see you have sleeves on today.  

Two times this week, you had a sleeveless top on. 

My heart began to race as I try to explain the reason why I wear sleeveless tops or remove my sweater

...which is clearly NOT anyone's business. 

I pulled myself together and move on with my responsibilities.

As I am removing bowls from a reusable shopping bag, 

I am asked what is in my purse?

I politely explain the bowls are for the event.

Only to be told,

 Oh! that isn't a purse... Well that would have been a purse for you...

I pulled myself together and move on with my responsibilities.

Later, while in a classroom, I was told I look old when I wear my hair down. 

The individual goes on to say, "I am sorry, but you do."

I pulled myself together and move on with my responsibilities

Once the event is over, 

I got into my car and began to drive... as the tears begin to fall. 

As I drove I began to think of a student who shared with me that his bucket was empty.  

When I asked inquired why, he told me because his peers told him he stinks.  

At this point, the tears began to flow uncontrollably.  I believe God knew I was having a hard time seeing the road and breathing as traffic slowed down as a response to an earlier incident.  

Eventually traffic came to a complete stop.

I tried to distract myself by opening my phone.  

Oddly enough it automatically showed my reflection... a result of a last minute pep talk of reassurance that everything looked professional. 

I am 42 years old.  

I am an adult who has dealt with unkind comments at some point or another throughout my entire life.

I have developed and am still developing coping skills for handling the curve balls life throws at me.  

Today, these comments literally tore me apart. 

And through it all.... I can't help but wonder 

What does this innocent child face 

each morning when he prepares to come to school?

In those moments I snapped a picture of my reflection.

And as I continued to sit in traffic, I listened to the song I Refuse by Five Finger Death Punch.  

The following lyrics spoke to me. 

Ive aways walked alone

I chose the path less taken

I refuse to let you in

Life's a bitch and I've been shaken

It's not a joke at all

Inside, my spirits fading

I refuse to take the fall

Cause no one cares at all

... Please wake me up

When it's all over

I'm tired of living' 

right here in between

I refuse

'cause at the end of the day

I'm not you

I refuse

Per the story, each of us has an invisible bucket floating above our heads. 

This bucket can be filled or it can be emptied. 

I hope in some way this post makes you stop and think before you speak. 

Even more, I hope it makes you consider the challenges others might be facing

when they arrive in their BEST!

The tongue has the power of life and death, and those who love it will eat its fruit.

Proverbs 18:21