Evolving

 

On January24th, I received a text message from a dear friend, Shauna Marie.

In one of my many nightly trips to the restroom (Oh! the joys of getting older), I skimmed the message. As I laid back down, I simply told God that I surrendered to his will. Later that same night, I woke up holding my phone. Again, I simply told God that I surrendered to his will. In the morning, I woke up and actually read the entire message... and... for the third time I told God that I surrendered to his will.

When GOD Trusts with Trauma... the theme of the show.

My thought process went something like this,

Wait... God trusts me with trauma?  

No..... Shauna Marie got her text wrong.

Maybe God trusted me enough to know that I would trust him through the trauma so I could share how faithful he was with others, so others would trust him during times of trauma.

What if people don't consider my story as trauma?  

Well... my trauma may not look like your trauma and yours may not look like someone else's either trauma is personalized... hits people where they are.

Again, I surrendered and asked that God would show me what needed to be said.

Then came the form for the fitting. Anyone who knows me... knows Black is the new red, yellow, pink, green, white, blue, purple... color. So, the answers were easy....

Blouse Size~ ...... and very picky

Pant Size..... and very picky

Skirt Size..... and very picky

Jacket/Blazer Size...... and very picky

God bless Nina T. Clark! 

If you are curious what surrender looks like?  Let me provide you with that visual again.

Fitting day came and I was very nervous.  BUT... I had surrendered, so there I went.

I arrived with an open mind.  

They came with a heart to serve and to be his voice.

There was a lot of laughter, some tears, and another step of surrender took place.

I don't know how to explain the feeling of peace I had during this "Evolving" process. Normally, an experience like this would have sent me over the edge.

Yes, I may have wrote my notes and then rewrote my notes a couple of times.

Yes, there was a ride to work in which I practiced recording what I would say to ensure it would fit in the allotted time.

However, when the moment came.... it didn't go as scripted. It wasn't plastic. There were mistakes.

Hopefully in HIS eyes, it was perfectly imperfect!

I mean, throughout the Bible God uses perfectly imperfect people, doesn't he?

So as promised... here is the rest of my story..... the final version that was prepared for Evolve with Shauna Marie.

I spent the majority of my life known as Kerri, Rev. Steve and Theresa Love’s daughter. 

My norm was going through the motions of what people expected of me and trying to adhere to the rules of religion. 

I graduated high School in 1995 and went off to college and spread my wings like most teenagers do. 

In 1997, I withdrew from college after completing my Sophomore year to marry a man who promised me many things. 

Unfortunately, reality left me with a lot of unfulfilled promises. 

I can remember sitting in the living room talking with God about how my dreams were taken away one by one. 

I won’t air all of the dirty laundry as there were mistakes on both sides. 

At some point during those 9 years, I began to engage in cutting as I would punish myself from failures.  Those so-called failures were imposed on me by the opinions of others, rules of religions, and of course, myself… the worst critic.     

There were many times when I contemplated my next steps, but, at that time, I could never understand why I could not take the never take that next step to make it all go away. 

Finally, in October 2006, he closed the door on our marriage when he chose her. 

People often exchange one fire for another. I was a textbook case of this. 

The enemy knew exactly how to get me, so when he told me I was pretty I was hooked. 

But I wasn’t ready.  It wasn’t God’s will.  

The next year brought many life experiences and I am only here because of God’s protection and faithfulness. 

In the fall of 2008, I spoke with an old high school friend who had found me on Facebook. 

He told me if it wasn’t good now, it wasn’t going to get any better if I were to marry this one.  

He didn’t know this at the time, but I married my first husband after making a mistake… in hopes that I could right that wrong, so when he said this to me…. reality hit…. and the next day I left. 

I ended up have dinner with that old friend and in February of 2009, I became Jason’s “then your mine”

Not only did God provide me with a husband who would be true to his promises, but also a child I could love and call my own.  Two of the dreams I thought has been taken.

In 2010, God brought me to a school where I would go personally, professionally, and serve him. 

We had found a church where I was Kerri; not Steve and Theresa’s daughter… and this was the first time I remember really experiencing God without those restraints. 

Bear with me for a minute while I pause to clarify something.  

There is nothing wrong with being known as Steve and Theresa Love's daughter. In fact, there were and still are times when this is the greatest honor.  

There is nothing wrong with growing up in the church or being a PK (pastor's kid)....AND... 

I am not saying that my parents did anything wrong.  

It was my choice to allow the combination of all of these components to mold me into a plastic christian who simply went through the motions.

Moving forward....

On my 33rd birthday, I was baptized... again. 

In 2011, God provided me with the opportunity to go on a mission trip to Belize.  

At this time, I had written and published two posts. 

Then there was a 7 year time period in which I did publish any more posts.  

Then in 2018, I had experience at Lowes which really bothered me.  

The more I talked myself through my emotions (yes, I talk to myself), the more I felt led to write about the experience.  

So I did.  

I shared the post on my blog, my Facebook page, and with several of my friends.

 

I can honestly say that I was not expecting anything to come from it. 

However, I began to receive messages and comments from people who read it and then they would go on to share about their experiences, or how my words had changed their perspective, or even how it had helped them reveal part of themselves that they had hidden. 

Over the last two years, I have written several other post about other life experiences, but I have also had the opportunity to use those character traits and experiences that were often looked at as weaknesses or parts of my past; as a means for connecting with people, being his voice of truth to others and/or in other situations.  

and then… here I am today. 

 

So why did I surrender?

Music and phrases are two methods God uses to get my attention. 

And I saw a sign that phrases my why into a simple, yet powerful question. 

Do people know and love Jesus more because they know you?  

So much of my life was spent thinking that a Christian had to be ‘perfect” even though I knew deep down that was impossible.  However, if I just followed those ‘rules’… then I might be good enough.  However, it was through authentic life experiences that God has taught and used me the most. 

If there is something I can say or do that might make a difference… then it is worth it for me to step outside of my comfort zone, so that God can use me. 

What do I hope people will come to know from this experience?

Even if…… has or doesn’t happen. 

God is good, he is faithful, and our hope is in him. 

When you can let go and allow your trust in him to take control…. You will come to a point where you can say It is Well; not because of what you can do, but because of what he has and will continue to do. 

The following video was shared with Shauna Marie the first time she invited me to surrender. It seems appropriate that I would end this post by sharing it again.... and this time truly surrendering to his will... and knowing It is Well with my Soul.